


Love of Mine (I Cannot Follow You)

by Caroleena_Alonea



Series: Of Vibranium Shields, Lost Loves, and Building Futures Together [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, Lost Love, M/M, Memories, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-30
Updated: 2013-04-30
Packaged: 2017-12-10 01:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/780035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroleena_Alonea/pseuds/Caroleena_Alonea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Natalia is red, untempered and brilliant. She steals a chunk of his frozen heart and refuses to give it back." A spin-off of 'Of Forgotten Mercy (And Eyes the Color of Summer Skies)'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love of Mine (I Cannot Follow You)

"This is the one you will train." As the doctor speaks, young woman steps forward. She has midnight blue eyes and long red hair.

"Natalia Romanova," she says as she offers her new mentor her hand.

He takes it and looks her over.

"Yakov Ivashkov," he says as he nods to himself. She will do.

"It is nice to meet you," he smiles at her, all teeth and no mercy. She smiles back at him, lips red and eyes fierce.

Yes, she will do.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yakov pushes Natalia harder than he pushes anyone else and she is unafraid to push right back.

Natalia is red, untempered and brilliant. She fights better than any of the other recruits of the Black Widow program and she makes sure that the Red Room knows it.

She is his pride.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yakov does not have a past and his future is icy and cold, sure to be filled with nothing but his missions and his kills. He has never been in love and he scoffs at the notion.

"Love is for children," he tells Natalia as they fight. She lands a few good blows, but he has her pinned in an instant. "It will get you no where."

Natalia purses her lips and nods. "'Love is for children," she repeats, her midnight blue eyes on him. "It will get me no where."

He smiles at her, all teeth and no warmth. "If anything, it will get you killed." He stands and allows her to get up, both falling back into their fighting positions.

"And if I use it to my advantage?" She asks as she kicks, striking his side.

He grunts softly and answers, "Then it will get your victims killed." He lands a right hook to her jaw and she allows the motion to help her land blow to his stomach. He grits his teeth and slams his shoulder into her side, forcing her to her knees. He pins her for a moment and tells her, "You are a beautiful young woman, Natalia. Use it to your advantage."

She nods, relaxing as he lets her go and helps her to her feet, eyes on him.

He glances at her and says, "You are dismissed."

She hesitates but does not leave. Instead, she steps closer and asks, "Why is it such a bad thing?"

Yakov frowns and asks, "What?"

"Love," she takes another step forward. "Why is love such a bad thing?"

"It clouds your head, Natalia. It fogs your judgement and makes you unable to think. It is a disease and it will do you nothing but harm." He shakes his head and turns to leave.

She catches his arm before he does and demands softly, "But why?"

He turns to her and looks. For a moment, he remains silent before saying, "Because it will destroy you, Natalia. It has no reason, it has no purpose. Love is cruel. It will do nothing but corrupt and weaken you."

Her eyes beg him to explain, her fingers tighten on his flesh-and-blood arm, and she steps closer. "What does it feel like?"

He hesitates and opens his mouth to say he does not know, but what comes out is, "It feels like you are invincible and all powerful. You feel like you are flying whenever you are with them. You feel like you are king of the universe and that nothing bad will ever happen to you or your lover. It feels like the nerves you get before doing something important and it feels like it will last forever. But it never does."

She stares at him, amazement and awe on her normally expressionless face. "How can something like that be so bad?"

He smiles at her, hand gentle as he places his fingers on hers. "Because it cannot last, little spider. It will fade and you will be left alone."

She shake her head and leans in closer. "No. No, something like that cannot just fade. I think it must just go wait until your lover comes back to you or-" she hesitates again before saying, "or you fall into love again."

Yakov hides his amusement at her naivety, though he doesn't know why he thinks her naïve. He should have no knowledge of what love feels like, having never been in love himself, and he has no right to think that she knows nothing of it.

She draws herself up and stares at him, a challenge on her face. "I don't think love is a bad thing," she declares and presses her lips against his.

He freezes then pushes her away. "What do you think you are doing?!" He demands, holding her at arms length.

She glares back at him, defiance shining on her face. "I am doing what I want, what both of us want." She shifts and pulls away from him, taking a step back and crossing her arms. "I love you."

He barks a laugh. "You are a child, you do not know what love is."

"I know you love me!"

He stares at her, she seems almost emboldened by his silence. "I see it in the way you train me. You do not hold back because you know that when I am truly fighting, they will not hold back. You take the time to teach me when you could be out in the world on missions. You teach me lessons on what to do and what not to do when it is not your job to do so! You make every excuse to touch me when you do not have to, you know I am uninjured, you know I do not need help, and yet you do it anyway! You warn me away from love, not because it is a distraction, but because you do not want me to be burned by it the way you have!"

Natalia steps closer to him until they are all but touching, until she is in his face, forcing him to listen to her words. "You do not have to do any of these things and yet you do! You could have pulled me closer and taken me to your bed and had your way with me knowing I would be easy to trick and yet you didn't. You could have laughed in my face and called me a fool, but you didn't. You pushed me away and tried to scare me off. I know you, Yakov, and you do not scare me. I do not care about the people you have killed, I have killed too. I do not care about the things you have done, most of them I have done as well. I love you, as you love me. I love you because you are my Yasha."

She loses her steam then and deflates slightly, her eyes going to the ground. As she moves to step back, he catches her around her waist, pulling her against him.

Her eyes go wide and when she looks up at him, he kisses her. She does not move for a moment, but then melts into the kiss, shifting to get a better angle. He tangles his metal hand in her red hair and tugs her closer.

Natalia kisses like she has something to prove and tastes of cinnamon and fire.

He pulls her up until she wraps her legs around his waist and carries her to his bed.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As she sleeps, the twisted sheets wrapped around them, she clings to Yakov, face buried in his neck.

He has his arms wrapped around her and holds her just as close.

(He also fights back the feeling that he is betraying someone as he murmurs his love to her into the delicate skin of her shoulder.)

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After that, they find reasons to be alone together, an easy feat when she shows how much she has improved since he has first started to train her.

She calls him 'Yasha' when they are alone and she tries to hide how much he means to her.

He calls her 'Talia' and tries to do the same.

(He forgets why he thought love was cruel.)

The training becomes even more intense, in both the physical and social aspects. He pushes her to the brink of exhaustion and teaches her how hide her real self.

He does this because he wants her safe. She goes along with it because she trusts him, even when she is on the verge of collapse and she has to hide her tears.

Those are the nights when he sneaks them away and holds her in his arms, humming simple songs into her ears as she dozes.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He wants to leave Red Room and start a real life with her. He wants her to be his wife and he wants to be her husband.

They create a plan to run away and start this new life. They decide on America as it will be harder for Red Room to get close to them there. They begin to believe that they can do it.

Then the doctors put the Winter Soldier back into stasis and shatter their dream.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Without him there to protect her, Natalia is broken apart and pieced back together by other trainers. She clings to her memories of him as she proves herself to the Red Room and gains her place in history as the Black Widow. Her world of love and security and training becomes a world of red and bullets and sex and murder. She does not let anyone hear her cry for her Yasha when she is alone.

She now understands why Yasha said love was cruel. It faded and she was left alone.

He has been asleep for years when she is sent to Budapest. There, a man with his bow and arrows strapped to his back offers her a chance to leave behind the Red Room.

She barely hesitates before she accepts his offer, running from the memories of Yasha's fingers on her skin and melodies in her ear.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In her new world of bullets and spies and fancy technology, she decides on a new name: Natasha Romanoff.

She falls in love with the man who saves her and breathes in the scent of America, her new home.

She doesn't talk about the man she still cries out for when she is in the grips of her nightmares. Clint takes no offense to it because he still cries out for his lost lover when he has nightmares.

They slowly make each other better.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Yakov wakes, he is told that Natalia has defected. He hides his reaction and is allowed to leave.

When he is alone, he destroys part of the training center. She is gone and they will never be wed. He will never hold her again.

She is gone and mostly safe, away from the Red Room and it's horrors and he is glad that she is safe.

Natalia is gone and he remembers why he was convinced that love was cruel.

Because it faded and now he is alone.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They send others for him train and none of them can keep up with him. They are so far below the bar Natalia had set and they can never gain his approval.

They bleed and are taken away to be trained by others.

They are not as red as his Natalia was.

One agent, who suspected what was going on between Natalia and him, mockingly calls him 'Yasha'.

He does not hesitate to put a bullet between the agent's eyes.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They put him back into stasis and he dreams of her red lips and midnight blue eyes.

He also dreams of blond hair and eyes the color of summer skies.

When he is awoken again, he doesn't remember why he ever thought love was a good idea.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He is given a new mission. He goes and the woman pleads for mercy as he aims his gun. She has Natalia's red hair and eyes the color of water.

He shoots her because she is not Natalia.

He shoots her because her eyes are wrong.

They are not Natalia's midnight blue or the summer sky blue that haunts his mind.

He feels no regret.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Natasha and Clint join a new team and her world becomes a world of monsters and magic and nothing she was ever trained for.

She can't help but wonder what Yasha would say if he could see her now, fighting monsters and aliens.

She likes to think that he would still be proud of her.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve Rogers is a living legend and he quickly becomes her friend. He is the closest she is to anyone besides Clint and Pepper.

He understands her better than she would have thought and is always willing to listen to her problems or to just be a comforting presence when the nightmares get to be too much and Clint is away.

When he thinks no one is looking, he has this look of such sadness, a look that hurts her chest and makes her want to fix all of his problems. At first, Natasha thought that perhaps it was because of the fact all of his loved ones were dead, but dismisses that thought when he does not seem to grieve the way he should. After a while, she thought it was the regret of losing Peggy Carter, but dismisses that thought when he meets Sharon. He doesn't even bat a lash at the woman who could be Peggy's double.

When she gains the will to ask him, he only smiles at her sadly before saying, "I was in love."

She quirks an eyebrow and waits.

He remains silent and eventually she prompts him, "Peggy?"

He lets out a bitter laugh and shakes his head. "No, not Peggy. I mean, I loved her, and I still love her, but I wasn't in love with her."

He stands and heads to the door, pausing only once to say hesitantly over his shoulder, "His name was James."

Natasha sits alone for a while after that and thinks about the glazed look on Steve's face the day he found out that it was legal in New York to marry someone of the same sex. The look of unbearable pain and hopeless longing.

It all starts to make sense.

(She remembers what Yasha said about love and wonders if Steve has the same opinion.)

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yakov takes aim at the man dressed in red, white, and blue.

For the first time, he hesitates when he's about to pull the trigger.

He shakes it off and fires.

For the first time, the Winter Soldier misses his target.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second Natasha hears about the sniper, her mind goes to Clint and Yasha. Clint would never shoot at Steve though (unless he had a good reason) and Yasha would never miss his shot. She dismisses her thoughts and works with the others to find out who it is.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yakov waits and tries again. He misses and, in his fury, he fires again.

The bullet is deflected and he leaves in disgust and anger.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve is hit by a sniper and they all agree that it seems to be the same one from before. Natasha waits for him to get patched up and walks with him to his room.

"I'll be fine, Nat," he tells her.

She smiles and says she knows, but refuses to say that she just wanted to make sure for her self.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve has been gone for hours and they are all worrying. They all want to be out there looking for him, but Fury orders them to wait in the conference room until they were positive he hadn't just gone for a run to get away from them. (they may have been slightly overprotective lately.)

When he does come back, he looks happier than he has since they defrosted him, and is pulling someone along with him.

An agent yells and all guns are suddenly aimed at Steve and whoever he was dragging along.

The Avengers all go on the defensive and move to put themselves between Steve and the guns but the man Steve brought with him beats them to it.

He is tall and has a fierce scowl on his domino mask covered face. His arm is metal with a red star on the bicep and his voice has a Russian accent when he yells, "Put your guns away! You're gonna hurt someone."

Fury orders them to stand down after Steve repeats the man's command.

No one notices the way Natasha stares at him.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He is no longer Yakov when he steps on board the Shield helicarrier. He's James -Bucky- and being pulled along by Steve.

Oh Steve. God, how could he have forgotten him?

They're greeted by guns and Bucky stands in front of Steve with a glare. He orders them to put their guns away and they do after a man with an eye patch tells them too.

He and Steve, as well as the four who had been about to defend Steve, are all but pushed into a room with a big round table in it and told to wait, Fury will be there in a few minutes.

Steve introduces each of the 'Avengers', as he calls them. There's Dr. Bruce Banner, Tony Stark (and isn't that a blast from the past? Howard's son?) who mentions a Thor (who's on Asgard at the moment), Clint Barton and-

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Natasha Romanoff," she interrupts, eyes still midnight blue and hair still red, cropped shorter than it used to be. She offers her hand and locks eyes with him.

He takes it and tries to ignore the want and betrayal that course through him at her touch.

"Sergeant James Barnes," he says to her, to the little rag-tag team.

He smiles at her, tightlipped and haunted. She smiles back, lips chapped and eyes empty.

"Nice to meet you."

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted on fanfiction. Clint's lost lover is suppose to be Barbara "Bobbi" Morse or "Mockingbird", his late wife. (I may write a story about them, but we'll just have to see.) This is inspired by my friend, Rebecca, who is amazing and writing a StevexBucky story with me. Love ya, sis!


End file.
